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The Political Incorrect Wife
By Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby
The Politically Incorrect Wife

Submission is not for the weak-willed or fainthearted. It requires true discipline and supernatural strength.

Ten years ago, some neighbors called and said they were going to hike a nearby trail. It was supposed to be an especially beautiful trail, and my husband and I (Connie) agreed to go with them. The spot to which we had driven was already high up in the mountains, and we would be climbing even farther.

Before long, we came to the mountain’s edge. A suspension bridge loomed before us, connecting the mountain on which we were now standing to another mountain several hundred feet beyond. Below the bridge ran a large, thundering river. Due to the heavy spring rains, it flowed at a furious pace. Its waters hit the rocks with a mighty crash, and the turbulence was so great that we had to raise our voices to be heard. The water turned white as it tumbled over and over itself on its way downstream.

“Shall we go across?” my friend asked the rest of the group. “Or are you ready to go back?” What a silly question to ask six children and two adventuresome men!

“Go across!” they shouted enthusiastically.

“Go back!” I said. “There’s no way I’m going to cross that bridge. It’s already swaying all over the place. What do you think will happen when all of us get on it? It could break!”

I am not a water person. I am comfortable in a bathtub, but beyond that I become nervous. I didn’t learn to swim until I took a beginning course in college, and even then I spent most of the time at the bottom of the pool. The thought of crossing that long, wobbly bridge, which appeared to me to be hanging perilously, seemed insane.

“Come on, honey. I’ll help you across,” my husband offered.

“I’ll get on your other side and help,” our neighbor said. “We’ll go as slowly as you want.”

I took a deep breath. “Okay, I’ll cross.”

They crossed quickly, while I literally inched my way along. With every grip of the rope, I braced myself for the bridge to give way. After getting our girls safely across, my husband ran back to help me. I was practically on my hands and knees as I stepped off of the bridge. Everyone cheered wildly! I felt as though I had just won a gold medal in the decathlon! We set off on the second leg of the trip, and it was even more beautiful than the first. Had I been unwilling to cross the bridge, I would never have experienced what lay beyond.

Submission in marriage is similar. The first mountain represents those women who refuse, for whatever reason, to submit to their husbands. Guided by their feelings and the mentality of modern times, they feel secure in their footing and see no reason to change.

The other mountain represents those women who have chosen to be submissive. Their lives are characterized by an overriding sense of peace, even when the storm clouds rumble overhead. This is a rare thing. The only way to get from the first mountain to the second is over a bridge called obedience.

Do you feel that only weak women cross this bridge? That couldn’t be further from the truth. Submission is not for the weak-willed or fainthearted. It requires true discipline and supernatural strength.

This could well be one of the most exciting and liberating principles you will ever discover! Regardless of whether your marriage changes or not, you will be changed, and it will bring about a closer walk with God.

Submission Defined

When you get married, one of your wedding gifts from God is an umbrella He gives you for protection. It has a name: submission. How do we know this was given by God? Because He tells us so in His word: Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. (Ephesians 5:22)

This principle in marriage is often skipped, laughed at, or scorned. It is ignored and derided much to the detriment of the woman it was meant to bless. Just what does submission mean? Here is a simple definition: Submission is voluntarily cooperating with another out of love and respect for God and for that person.

Did you notice that the definition of submission didn’t include the words “inferior to” or “less than”? Frequently, these words are interwoven with our idea of what submission means. But this is wrong thinking! A wife isn’t inferior to her husband in any way. We are told in Genesis that they are created equal in God’s image (1:27). This is reiterated in the New Testament: “There is [now no distinction]…there is not male and female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28, AMP).

The Chain of Authority

Submission is not an issue of superiority. There is no differentiation in the body of Christ as far as spiritual privilege and position are concerned. However, Paul clearly states that there is headship of the man over the woman: Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God. (1 Corinthians 11:3)

This is a hard concept for most people to grasp. We’re equal to our husbands, yet we’re still under their authority. Being under someone simply means that you have less authority than they do—not that you’re worth less. This in itself is a problem for many women because we like being the authorities, don’t we? Or at least the co-authorities. Yet God, in His infinite wisdom, decided to place woman not under every man’s authority but under her husband’s authority.

Paul goes on to say, “Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man” (v.9). This is also a difficult thing for many women to swallow. But this is God’s plan. God didn’t consider creation complete until He created woman. In no way was she looked upon as second-rate or as an afterthought. Her very existence helped define Adam.

God’s intention is not to make you miserable, and He didn’t send Jesus to the cross to assure you second-class citizenship. His death assured your royal citizenship, a citizenship in heaven (Philippians 3:20). This same love says, “Wives, submit to your husbands.”

Does this mean a wife cannot appeal her husband’s decisions? Definitely not! In my own marriage (Nancy), if I want to do something and Ray doesn’t want me to at that time, I appeal to him, presenting my reason. And in the end I do what he asks.

The Husband’s Leadership

How can you get your husband to be the leader in your home? Simply put, you can’t. He already is the leader. God made that clear in the Garden. But you can help your husband assume the leadership role. You do this by introducing into your marriage the things God tells you to do in His Word.

Maybe you are like the woman who told her friend, “I want to obey Christ, but no matter how hard I try, submission just isn’t my spiritual gift.” Submission is not a spiritual gift. It is a choice! As one woman told us, “My husband insists that when I say I want him to be the leader in our home, what I really want is to hear my words coming out of his mouth.”

Does this define your attitude toward leadership in the home? Ultimately the whole subject of submission boils down to one issue—control. Letting go of control in the home is a difficult thing for most women. Until you’re willing to let go of this, you’re missing out on God’s plan for your life.

"I’ll do My Part When . . . "

As we’ve talked to women over the past few years, we’ve found that the most common excuse for not carrying out God’s role in their marriages is, “I’ll do my part when he does his.” At the root of this statement lies disobedience.

Whether your husband is doing his part or not has absolutely nothing to do with your obedience to God. Perhaps you hold to the verse in Ephesians 5:21 that says we’re to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ideally this is true—a Spirit-filled person would be sensitive to others’ needs and willingly serve them. There would be no domination or self-promotion. This is true for both men and women, but the husband’s headship, as determined by God in the Garden, remains intact regardless of whether he chooses this behavior or not.

This verse, however, in no way negates the following verse: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord” (v. 22). The latter doesn’t depend on the former as many would like to think. Wives are directed specifically to submit even though their husbands may not treat them in the same considerate manner. A husband’s failure to obey verse 21 doesn’t excuse or justify a wife’s disobedience of verse 22. (Note: There are moral limits to submission; it is only as is fitting in the Lord. A wife is not obligated to follow her husband’s leadership if it conflicts with specific scriptural commands.)

Not to obey what you know to be God’s command is disobedience. It is the willful rebellion—the very thing that was so costly to Eve. The only way to successfully submit, and bring glory to Christ as you do, is for your motive to be personal obedience to God’s Word. There is no getting around this. Your success is determined by your desire to obey Christ.

Submission isn’t a position of weakness, but strength. It is the key to a wholehearted commitment to God’s Word and to becoming the wife God meant you to be.

Adapted from The Politically Incorrect Wife © 2000, 2002 by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.

Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby are also coauthors of How to Get Your Husband to Talk to You. Nancy is a popular speaker at women’s retreats and is currently the director of women’s ministries at Christ Community Church. She and her husband, Ray have four children and make their home in Omaha, Nebraska. Connie is a teacher and speaker who combine warmth, humor, and practicality to point others toward “life’s bottom line.” She is a frequent radio guest and a business consultant. She and her husband, Wes, are the parents of three daughters and live in Omaha.