Your choice of friends is a significant factor in determining the kind of person you are and will become. You become like the people you hang around with.

Since I first got involved with youth ministry in 1971, one of my favorite young people has been a guy named Norman, who wasn't blessed in abundance with beauty, brains or bucks. Norman did not have an easy childhood. His dad died when he was in elementary school, and though his mother was great, she worked a lot of extra hours to pay the bills. In no sense could Norman be called handsome. In fact, "Stormin' Norman" looked like the quintessential nerd.

What made Norman unique was that he changed friends and fads about as often as some people change clothes. I met Norman when he was entering eighth grade, and in the few years I was his youth minister, Norman was a:

Surfer;
Punk rocker;
Football team manager;
Coss-country runner;
Drummer in a rock band;
Cowboy (and that's difficult in Newport Beach, California);
High school band member;
Drama club member;
Skateboarder;
Student body officer;
Student leader at church;
Heavy drinker.

Norman moved quickly from one crowd (clique) to another. I never knew what Norman would become next. He was like a chameleon. Every time Norman changed friends he became, in essence, a different person. His new "friends" had a big influence on who he was at that moment. As you can imagine, this influence was not always positive.

Norman had a poor image of himself. One day he confided in me, "I don't really like the real Norman, so I'm trying to become someone I can respect. I think if I was accepted by a group of people who liked me, I'd be okay."

Now that was a pretty deep statement for a guy like Norman. In his own way, he was beginning to understand that because he didn't like himself, he was trying to be somebody else. He was also beginning to understand the important truth that whoever you spend time with has a major influence on who you become. We'll come back to Norman again.

Some people never really think about the strong influence friends have on their lives. Because friends do make such a difference in who we become, though, it's extremely important to choose your friends wisely.

Let's take a friendship inventory:

1. Do your friends bring you up or pull you down?
2. What do you like and dislike about your friendships?
3. What can you do to ensure you have quality friends?

When I was a junior in high school, I became a Christian, and I came to realize that the crowd with whom I spent a great deal of time had not been the best influence in my life. One of the best decisions I ever made was choosing a new group of friends that year. It was a difficult decision but, as I look back, it was the right decision. When I attended my 10-year high school reunion, it became very clear to me just how important that decision was in my life. Ten years later my previous friends were struggling with drugs, divorce and failure. My new friends were much more together––and happier.

Sure, this kind of decision is hard. If your need for love and acceptance from others is out of balance because of a low self-image, it will be even tougher. It's also true that the decisions you make today will affect you for the rest of your life. Please don't ever underestimate the influence of your friends. Choose them wisely. They just may influence you forever.

Be Yourself

Sometimes people who have low self-esteem are afraid to be themselves. So they try to be someone else. Melissa was dating David. She came to me with a problem. She said, "David thinks I'm somebody who I'm really not."

I told her I didn't understand what she was trying to tell me. She explained, "When I first met David I thought he was really cute and really smart. I knew he was interested in plays, classical music and, you know, the intellectual stuff. Well, I pretended I liked and knew a lot about his world. And he really started to like me."

"Well, what's your problem then?" I asked.

"Now he doesn't know the real me. I know nothing about the music or literature he's into. But now I'm afraid that if I let him know the real me, he won't like me."

I urged her to take off the mask and be herself. "Melissa," I said, "you are a very special person whether you like classical music or not. I imagine David is smart enough to know when he has a good thing, and I wouldn't be surprised if one day he doesn't ask you to marry him. But he must know the real you, and I'm convinced he will love the real you."

One of the great joys of my life was being the minister who married Melissa and David a few years later. And you know, Melissa still isn't a classical music fan, and David doesn't really care. He loves her for who she is.

Make Positive, Healthy Friendships a Priority In Your Life

Friendship is a priceless gift from God. Few things in life are as important or as wonderful as true friendship. A good friend is a treasure beyond almost anything else in life. Have you made positive, healthy friendships a priority in your life? Think for a moment of three people whom you consider to be true friends. Now take a few moments to list why you consider them true friends. I'm sure there are several reasons you think they're special.

Here's a simple, but important formula. If you want true friends, then you must become a true friend. Let's consider some qualities of a true friend.

A true friend is:

1. Caring and available. Nothing is more important than the gift of your time and genuine concern.
2. Encouraging. When you affirm and support your friends, you are building their self-esteem by showing them they are important and that you believe in them.
3. Willing to sacrifice. A true friend walks the extra mile and can be depended upon, even when it's inconvenient.
4. Patient. No one is perfect, but a true friend will endure even in times of hardship.
5. A good listener. Listening is the language of love.
6. Loyal. The Bible says, ""If you love someone you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost"" (1 Corinthians 13:7, TLB).
7. Truthful. Telling the truth in love sometimes means telling a friend "the way it is," even if it hurts.

Now, as you look over this list and think about your friends, how do they measure up? How do you measure up? If you need work in one or more of these areas, there's no better time to start than right now.

Christian Friends Will Usually Encourage You to Draw Closer to God.

I promised you I would get back to the story of my "nerd" friend, Norman. Sometime later in Norman's high school years, he started getting much more serious about his Christian commitment and the church youth group.

In the church youth fellowship he found a crowd of people who came from different groups at school, but they seemed to get along well at church. He found friends in the church who actually liked him for who he was. They didn't try to turn him into someone else. As Norman became more comfortable with his new Christian friends, he began to open up about his hurts and past mistakes. They accepted him, and he felt loved. He came to understand God's love through the unconditional love of his friends.

It took Norman a long time to believe he belonged. He was building his identity rooted in the love of Christ and the acceptance of positive friendships. His Christian friends showed him that God was real, and that reality changed his life. Today, Norman is well on his way to becoming one of the most successful youth ministers in the world.