In recent months, one of the most important cultural debates of our time has raged in the media. After the Canadian Supreme Court struck down a law banning marriage between homosexuals, and the U.S. Supreme Court overturned a Texas law prohibiting sodomy, we’ve seen a flood of articles and reports about “gay marriage.” And the debate is not likely to fade away.

The cultural argument about marriage between homosexuals is really an extension of a debate that has lasted for decades. Beginning in the mid-1960s, our culture embarked on a path of social experimentation when we looked at a variety of social mores and decided that things needed to change. We decided that people needed to enjoy sexual freedom without constraints. We decided we needed to relax our disapproval of divorce. We decided we should base our moral decisions on individual desires and opinions rather than on biblical truth.

In some areas, we did need cultural change; the civil rights efforts are a prime example. But today it is clear that the social earthquake that began in the Sixties mostly left us with a rubble of social pathologies that continue to plague us today.

The discussion in our day about whether to expand our definition of marriage to include homosexual couples is fundamentally a question of whether we want to engage in a new round of social engineering. Do we believe our society will be a better one if we extend the economic and social benefits of marriage to gay couples (or to unmarried co-habiting heterosexuals)? Or, will our nation profit by providing “domestic partnership” status (with the same benefits of marriage) for cohabiting couples, whether they are homosexual or heterosexual? All of us will be a part of answering those questions in the weeks and months ahead.

FamilyLife is committed as a ministry to upholding and advancing the biblical understanding that marriage is a God-ordained institution, and that He has established the definition—one man married to one woman in a lifetime, covenant commitment (Genesis 2:24). We believe our culture will benefit by embracing God’s definition of marriage instead of inventing our own. For a fuller statement of our beliefs about marriage, read the Family Manifesto.

How families should respond

How does this debate involve you? There are three ways Christian families ought to respond in the midst of this critical cultural discussion.

First, become better informed on the issue. Most of us have a biblically informed understanding of how God’s word addresses the sanctity of marriage and the sinfulness of homosexual behavior. We know that “gay marriage” is not something that squares with God’s word.

But as the culture continues to pound away with arguments in favor of extending the rights of marriage to others, we need to be ready to give an answer that goes beyond “God’s word says so.” That answer is sufficient for Christians but isn’t persuasive in the culture.

All of us need to read more and understand better what is at stake with this issue. I have listed several suggested articles in the links to the right. Although I might not agree with every point these authors make, I would suggest reading these articles as a way to stretch your thinking on this subject.

Also, we would recommend Glenn Stanton’s book, Why Marriage Matters, as a helpful resource for families, and The Heritage Foundation’s Web site has an excellent list of articles and resources on this issue at www.heritage.org/Research/Family/familybriefingroom.cfm.

Second, make sure your children know and understand not only what God’s word says about marriage, but also how to respond to the cultural arguments they will continue to hear. Our children are being bombarded with cultural messages about marriage on television, in the public school classroom and in all forms of popular culture. Obviously, this is an issue we need to discuss with our children, reinforcing the biblical standards about marriage while being sensitive to age appropriateness.

When your children are young, you’ll want to spend time reinforcing what is God’s best for marriage—for children to grow up in a home with a mommy and a daddy. You can say to your child, “I am so thankful to God that He gave you a mommy and a daddy. You know, that’s His plan for all families.” If you’re in a single parent home, you can address some of the reasons why you are a single parent with your child (again, in age appropriate terms) and then say, “I’m hoping and praying that when you are old enough, if God leads you to get married, your children will be able to grow up in a home with both a mommy and a daddy for a lifetime.”

As children grow older and more aware of cultural issues, they may begin to think that it is unloving or unkind not to allow two people of the same sex who love each other to get married or to have a legally sanctioned domestic partnership. Here are some principles to reinforce with those older children.

• Sometimes, people want things that aren’t good for themselves or for our society. Just because people want to change the definition of marriage to include two people of the same sex doesn’t mean that it’s the best thing for our society.
• One of the reasons God established marriage in the first place was so that children would have a healthy, stable environment in which to grow up – an environment where they can see a mom model what it means to be a woman and a dad model what it means to be a man.
• God has established marriage as a relationship between a man and a woman for a lifetime, not because he wants to make homosexuals unhappy. He knows what is best and wants what is best for them and for our culture.
• The decision about who to marry is about a lot more than sex or feelings. Our society (and virtually all human societies) has found it best not to allow people to have multiple marriage partners, marriage partners who are relatives, marriage partners who are children, or same sex marriages.

Your family may be making choices that protect your children from some of the cultural influence in these areas. For example, you may not have a television, or you may be home schooling your children. Still, at some point, they will be faced with these issues in the newspaper, a magazine, or in a college classroom or a workplace. A part of your responsibility before God as a parent is to help your children cultivate a Christian worldview on issues like this.

Third, join in the conversation, with wisdom and compassion. Ultimately, God is concerned about the souls of men and women who practice homosexuality. While we ought to be concerned about the direction in which our culture is headed, we must make sure we express our cultural concerns in a way that reflects the character and glory of God.

The Apostle Peter instructed Christians in his day to “Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.” (1 Peter 2:12, ESV). We must make sure our love and compassion for those who would disagree with us and who would reject God’s word is evident. We must be kind, tenderhearted and winsome as we engage with others on these issues.

The apostle Paul describes the kind of attitude that should be characteristic of Christians at all times. He instructs us to “put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience…and above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:12, 14).

With that attitude in mind, we should pursue opportunities to engage on this issue. We live in a participatory democracy, so as issues like this are being debated in government, we should be active and involved. Right now, our national legislators are considering an amendment to the constitution that would establish as law the traditional definition of marriage. The proposed amendment is known as the Federal Marriage Amendment, and it reads, “Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman. Neither this Constitution or the constitution of any state, nor state or federal law, shall be construed to require that marital status or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon unmarried couples or groups."

It is appropriate to let your elected officials know your feelings about this amendment. You can easily get information about how to contact your representatives by going to www.firstgov.gov/Contact/Elected.shtml. In addition, you ought to engage with leaders in your church about this issue, making sure that your church embraces the biblical definition of marriage.

And in your neighborhood or your workplace, you can kindly and compassionately discuss this issue with friends and co-workers, expressing concern that changing the definition of marriage would do long-term damage to our society and the kind of world we will leave to the next generation.

If, as a culture, we choose to change the definition of marriage to make “gay marriage” normal and acceptable, we will be embarking on a social experiment that will have a dramatic impact on our society. We will be rejecting the biblical definition of marriage and replacing it with our own definition. The results are likely to be disastrous.