Shared activity is good for your marriage.

One crisp autumn day Tom asked Kelly to a Kansas City Chiefs game. “That sounds great! What time?” Kelly said. They made the date, and Tom smiled after he hung up. This was their third date in the last four weeks, and he was so pleased that she sounded eager to go to a football game.

Tom and Kelly had a great time at the game and took in several more games that same season. They also shopped for cars. Not because either of them needed one. Tom simply enjoyed studying the latest models, and Kelly seemed to enjoy it too. Their relationship was getting more serious, and Tom felt so fortunate to find a woman who enjoyed the same things he did.

By mid-winter, Tom was certain Kelly was the woman for him. They got married that spring, and both were in bliss. But sometime during their first married year, Kelly’s interest in football lessened. She and Tom would sometimes watch the Monday night games, but she never got too excited about attending one. And when Tom suggested that they go to an upcoming automobile show, Kelly begged off.

That came as a surprise to Tom. Over the next year, Tom discovered that the things he liked to do and the things Kelly liked to do had little in common. Gradually they arrived at the point where they rarely did much together except go out to dinner once in a while. Tom would have preferred to spend more “fun” time with Kelly, but she seemed quite content to let him do his own thing. Hurt and bewildered, Tom often wondered why his wife didn’t want to be with him.

One of the great gaps between husbands and wives is in their notions of emotional intimacy. If you are like most women, intimacy means sharing secrets, talking things over, cuddling, and so on. But a man builds intimacy differently. He connects by doing things together. Working in the garden or going to a movie with his wife gives him a feeling of closeness.

Husbands place surprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions. The commercial caricature of men out in the wilderness, cold beer in hand, saying, “It doesn’t get any better than this,” is false. It can get a lot better than that when a wife joins her husband in a shared activity they both enjoy. Willard F. Harley, Jr. once said, “Spending recreational time with his wife is second only to sex for the typical husband.”

That’s why we want to encourage you to do something active together that lifts your spirits. Put it on your to-do list this week and every week. If you’re already worried that you can’t find something in common that you’ll both enjoy, that’s okay. We’re going to show you how to do just that.

Why Shared Activity is Good for Your Marriage

I (Les) had a fantasy about married life that took a while to shake. For whatever reason, I thought Leslie and I would play tennis. I’m not sure why, but I thought this would be an activity we could do together through the years of our marriage.

It was one of our earliest lessons in how a good idea for a shared activity can go bad. We’ve since worked hard to find other activities we enjoy doing together. Most weeks, for example, you will find us working out together at the gym or taking a three-mile walk around Green Lake. And when that doesn’t happen, you might find us going to the movies or maybe working in our backyard. We never got the tennis thing worked out, but we’ve never gave up on doing something once a week that gives us both a lift. Why? Because there is too much at stake.

Did you know that passion and intimacy plummet when a spouse associates his or her partner primarily with dirty clothes thoughtlessly dropped on the floor, barked out orders, crying, or nagging? No surprise, right? But so many couples ignore this fact. He plays golf with his buddies. She attends her book club with her friends. They both may keep plenty active, but these activities are too often segregated. And when that’s the case, couples miss out on a weekly habit that will buoy their marriage more than they ever imagined. Shared activity is one of the supreme gifts of married life, and it is an insurance policy against the fading of passion and intimacy.

How to Do Something You Both Enjoy

Okay, so you’ve determined your marriage can benefit from a little more activity together. Your schedule is already jam-packed, and you’re not even sure how you’ll squeeze in an activity if you find one. Well, here’s our best advice, and we’ve seen it help countless couples cultivate this important habit into their weekly schedule.

Broaden your sphere of interest.

We’ve counseled enough couples to know you might be saying, “What do you do if you have few activities you like to do together?” The answer: Cultivate your spheres of interest. Don’t allow you and your partner to drift apart because you can’t find something enjoyable to do together. We have seen too many marriages fizzle because a couple didn’t use their creative energies to build enjoyable moments of fun and relaxation together.

So let’s get practical. Make a careful list of recreational interests your spouse enjoys. Here are a few to get you started: antique collecting, tennis, racquetball, camping, canoeing, table games, puzzles, cooking, dancing, hiking, horseback riding, jogging, going to a lecture, art gallery, museum, movie-going, ice-skating, downhill skiing, cross-country skiing, sailing, listening to music, swimming, traveling, walking, woodworking, hitting a bucket of balls, and lifting weights. Your list should be as long as possible. Next, circle those activities you might find somewhat pleasurable. You can probably find a good half-dozen activities you can enjoy with your spouse. Your next task is to schedule these activities into your recreational time together.

Make time.

All the good intentions a marriage can muster will never replace the actual doing of the activity together. And the first step toward making that happen is to make time for it. Marriage expert David Mace said, “Love must be fed and nurtured…first and foremost it demands time.” How true. Studies indicate that marital happiness is highly correlated with the amount of time spent together. So, right now, get your Day-Timers out and find a slot of time the two of you can call your own. It’s that simple. Enough said.

Recognize what you bring to the picture (especially as a wife).

Les recently came home from a speaking engagement in Lake Tahoe. Before he left, he was excited because he was going to fly in a day early and do some skiing on his own. I was so happy for him. He loves to ski—fast—and when we go together I always feel like I’m slowing him down. But when he came home from his trip, I was shocked by his report. “Well, the powder was great, and the weather was perfect, but it’s just not the same as skiing with you.” Wow! All this time I thought I was a tagalong, and it turns out that he doesn’t really enjoy skiing without me.

So take it from me as a wife who now knows, your presence means more to your husband than you may think. Don’t be inhibited by some self-imposed limitation.

Don’t push too hard.

Some activities were never really designed to be enjoyed as husband and wife. So give your mate space to enjoy certain activities that are his or hers alone. If your wife likes to work in “her” garden by herself, let her. If your husband wants to golf with his buddies, allow it. As you are finding things to do together, you don’t have to change the things you enjoy separately. As the saying goes, couples can share separateness in their togetherness.

Do something crazy.

Some friends told us about a creative couple they know who is always doing something just for fun. Once they went to the airport to find the first flight that was about to take off. Neither had a ticket or even cared where the flight was headed. But they ran to that gate and kissed each other like one of them was leaving for a long good-bye. Once the flight was boarded, they then looked for the next flight about to take off, ran to that gate, and kissed again.

Crazy? Of course. Would we do it? Probably not, especially not in an age of heightened airport security! But it worked for them. They died laughing and had a fun time smooching in the process. And you can bet this couple is never bored. Not a bad lesson: If you’re having a tough time coming up with a shared activity this week, try something radical. Come up with an outing that might push your limits.

Brace yourself for change.

As couples learn to cultivate shared activities, it can be a bit jolting, especially if you’ve been married awhile and this kind of thing is new to your marriage. After all, change is never easy. Change is hard (just recall how well the United States assimilated to the metric system), especially when it hits home. But don’t allow that to stand in the way of trying to do something new in your marriage. Finding a shared activity can be a challenge for some couples, but a little change can do you good.

A Final Thought on Shared Activity

We’ve worked with numerous couples in our counseling office to help them cultivate the weekly habit of doing something that lifts their spirits. And every so often we meet a couple that can’t seem to find an activity that works. They do everything from bowling to gardening, from table games to rock climbing. And nothing seems to click. If you fall into this camp, we want to encourage you to not give up. Keep exploring. And in the meantime we have two specific suggestions for activities that may get you going.

When all else fails, try this: walking or driving. Countless couples benefit from a simple walk around their neighborhood or a nearby park. Or if walking isn’t your thing, a Sunday drive can serve the same purpose. It can become a ritual that allows your collective soul to catch up. It may be long or short, but it is almost guaranteed to bring you together. Of course, this is not the time to complain about something or dump a to-do list on your partner. The goal is to make it a pleasurable time that lifts your burdens simply because you are in each other’s company. And if you need a verse to become your motto, we know of no better one than Amos 3:3: “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” Walking (or driving) puts you on the path of harmony and renewed energy together.